Many of our European friends have expressed apprehension at the idea of visiting Australia on account of the ferocious sharks, poisonous snakes, spiders and jellyfish, etc. But the real problems lie elsewhere:

Some birds laugh at you:

3 gang-gangs

Others look sideways disapprovingly:

Frogmouth Dec2015

Some spiders won’t let you near the toilet roll:

Spider on loo roll

Others try to steal it:

Spider toilet roll

and some can even dance:

Dancing huntsman

They are all bastards though (classification courtesy Tom Wykes):

The snakes steal your sausages:

Sausage snake copy

and the kookaburras nick the chicken:

KOOKABURRA TUGOWAR lowres

The lizards can be taller than you are:

Goanna Nov2015

and the crocodiles can jump even higher:

Croc jump

And while all of this is going on, kangaroos watch your every move:

Kangaroos copy

While you need to watch the moves of snakes in the loo (this is a genuine notice!):

snakein toilet bowl

or beside the bed (this one was called Monty python (http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-06-21/massive-carpet-python-found/7530814):

Monty python

On the other hand, there are some extraordinarily pretty dancing spiders:

Although it has to be admitted that it can get a bit wet (June 5, 2016; photo jakobdezwart.com):

Sydney storm June 2016

and watch out for wombats! News story August 22, 2016: A Canberra woman has been attacked by a wombat (https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2016/aug/22/woman-attacked-by-wombat-thought-she-was-going-to-die):

Oh, and look out for the dropbears:

Drop bear

and the thousands of unidentified tiny flies (subsequently identified as Rutherglen bug) that stop us from going out on the our verandah (Dec 4th, 2016):

deck-fly-041216

and the weirdest caterpillar I have ever seen climbing up our front door jamb (subsequently identified (http://lepidoptera.butterflyhouse.com.au/naco/auctar.html)) :

caterpillar-021216

and finally, what do you think the outcome might be of a fight between an injured owl and a pit bull terrier?

You’ve guessed it, of course. The owl was a Powerful Owl

which can be 60cm high. This one was on a perch, tethered by a loose chain, when the pit bull terrier went for it. The owl rose two feet into the air and came down square on the dog’s head, pecking its eyes out for starters before getting down to the serious business of dismemberment.

Lesson: Don’t mess with Australian wildlife. They all want to kill you. Even when they can’t:

(Western pygmy possum)

AUSTRALIA. HOW CAN YOU RESIST IT?

 

IMAGES: All from my personal collection, except for the snake and the wave.

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